...I know that I haven't been logging on for more than a week or so. I've really not felt very well lately at all. I'm not doing much, not even drawing, and I don't know how to talk about things. I have barely been talking with anyone the last while and I'm kind of afraid to say any words.
This is honestly ridiculous. Not ridiculous, but I can't find a word for it. I don't think you should even read it, it's really depressing and killing. I want to stand on a cliff and tell this to someone up there in the sky, so I'll let this journal entry be that.
I've gotten tired of pretending that I'm happy when I'm not. Whenever I say something it might feel wrong. I don't know what attitude I should keep at. I'm not sure anymore about what's the difference between staying strong and pretending.I'm really truly starting to get enough of living. I feel broken and hopeless, and lack of reciprocity in love and that the fact that I can't make the person I love happy makes everything in my life feel meaningless.Recently and more frequently I've been having moments when I feel a tremendous hopelessness taking over me. It feels like there's no solutions to anything in life, it feels like I'm going crazy and that I will never recover, never accomplish my goal, nothing will be okay, nothing will be the same again. I just want to explode, I can't describe it, but instead of actually bursting out and screaming, I sit/lie/stand in the same position and start crying massively and shivering. It feels like I'm going to die by a heart attack because my heart is pounding very hard and quickly, as the blood veins in my chest are going to bomb. I think super fast and have no control over, I can't control it, I can't be myself, and if a possibility to do is near (like a phone), I text ''insane'' things I will regret later. I just feel like dying when it happens. My parents has sent me to the doctor ridiculously many times not very long after it happened because I've been breathing irregularly. Many times a milder anxious feeling and stomach aches have been sticking me days later, and I have thrown up and skipped school, far from only once.Only I know the underlying problems are mental and it makes me feel guilty that my parents don't know the truth because I have 0% courage to tell about it. I never get out of my room before I'm sure my face isn't pink after crying. My family never caught me while "it" happened to me. I always hide it from them the best I can. I also don't trust the "lady" at school whom I can talk with, and I can't call anyone. The sound isolation in our house is bad, and I have phone phobia anyway. I wish to get help, but I have no courage to ask for professional help, and I have an even worse problem in formulating my thoughts. It feels like the only way to recover is by 'solving' what that makes me break.A little over 1 year ago, something, or someone, in life became a huge turning point for me. Everything changed, it changed so fast that I was not aware of it, I couldn't adapt to it and most of all: I didn't understand why it happened. I became very sad, desperate and I wanted to change it. But no matter what I did, things didn't seem to be okay. It's here I started to have my first ''moments''.My pillow was wet of tears almost every night.Someone told me "You can't change the person. You have to wait till they get over it."I didn't believe in it, and I will never believe it that someone cannot be repaired, I will never EVER believe that we must be passive and wait for something to be okay again. If something shall get different and take a positive turn, things must HAPPEN. Someone must take ACTION. There is so much unwanted that can happen during a time of void, and we can't watch it happen, especially when it's about a dear one...I was always the person who took initiative. But I've been too desperate and impatient.I am very sensitive to conflict. I have very low tolerance for it. It stresses me out more than anything else. I want peace and goodness, peace and goodness, for everyone, always. And then, the discussion about the "good and bad" comes up. Whenever I want to solve a problem it's only solved for a little while, and afterwards the pain is bigger than before, or the problem only gets worse. I recall these moments when I tried to say things, "exploded" and got seemingly angry and super negative, while crying intensely.I just wanted to help.I just wanted to help.I know it isn't easy, but I don't give up because something is hard.I have ultimately lost all respect for 'dark' things.I have had friends and dear ones going through eating disorders, moving schools because of anxiety and bullying, and chronic depression.I have ultimately lost all respect for 'dark' things. I have already written 4 comic storylines about angels murdering demons because I have truly lost all respect for dark things and I don't want to hear or see anything about it. My friends and dear ones are flowers living in my garden. The demons placed portals around in the world, and my friends and dear ones got fooled to enter some of them, which sent them to the darkness. I went there to save them, and then satan set my garden on fire.If I can't save my dear one, then I don't want to live.Stupid morals, stupid society standards, stupid virtues. Why can't we take life easily sometimes and just start to smile and love when we still can?
I got rid of Skype already and have no idea when I'll reinstall it. I am not able to see who is online and who is not without feeling anxious. I have had breakdowns when I sent someone messages because they didn't reply me. I know it sounds stupid, but I am very serious. I have ultimately got enough. It breaks my heart to know that someone else might be the reason why I'm having another breakdown when I'm chatting with them on the Internet. I don't want it to happen again, that I'm saying "be right back" and not "I need to cry a little bit". The computer and certain programs, icons and colors on chatboxes have become triggers for me. I am anxious on dA and I don't feel home. I am afraid of what the next message will be. I can't use an icon of Lithra because it makes me literally feel ill to see her alone in a non linked icon. I am such a maniac.
I really feel disrespectful and ashamed no matter what. I regret the way I have acted and I don’t want to be remembered for it, even though I didn't have control over it. I have never been myself during these stupid breakdowns. I haven't changed, but the mental problems have affected and are still affecting me so much that I have lost myself. I feel ashamed and worthless and I feel like I'm not anything anyone could love anymore. No one can love a person like me. I guess I'm not worthy of it. I must stop reading stories in newspapers about people who wrote love letters overseas during war times and stayed together forever until they died the same day as olds, 'cause I always wish it was me. I'm a hopelessly romantic little girl who views the world in too friendly eyes.
I want to say sorry for how I've been acting. I still can't describe how ashamed I feel. I know that it isn't my fault, but I have made people feel uncomfortable and it still feels like it's my fault.
I really wish I could have a normal conversation with someone without breaking down just because the conversation topic is deep or because I don't like it. It makes me hate myself when I look at myself from another angle. It ruins my bonds with everyone and I don't find it any encouraging to chat with anyone anymore. I don't know how I'm going to possibly be able to have a chat with anyone, because I'm too afraid and I only have boring things to talk about all the time which makes me feel super sad and and even more worthless. In real life I don't talk as much as I used to either. I don't participate in class like I used to.
And there is so much else going on in my life. Things have been so painful lately that I have been thinking of killing myself. There's a medicine closet full of hundreds of different medicines in our kitchen, even ones from abroad with writing Norwegian doctors can't read. It would be the simplest way of dying, I would definitely be chemically imbalanced and poisoned within a few minutes. I don't exactly want to do it, but I can never know if I'm going to feel like it the next time I'm home alone.
I keep dreaming nightmares about me and others dying. I wake up with my heart pounding my chest in pieces at night of fear, and I haven't got anyone besides me to hug.
I have always been the one who took initiative. I have been trying to make a change for so long now and it feels like everything I'm doing have no significant meaning, no effect, and isn't appreciated. It might be an illusion, but I really often feel it. It feels like movies and games are more funnier than me or the art I can gift someone. I remember writing long birthday messages to people. I could prepare the surprises weeks before their birthdays. I like to write memorial letters and good night poems. I wonder how it feels like to receive something like it. I think I would be in heaven...
My upcoming birthday is going to be like my last. It was forgotten, and someone in school grabbed the homemade wolf-ears I wore and threw it down on wet, dirty snow. The same boy who held me back and threw me on the ground and hurt my back a few months later in school.
I really should never have been born.
My mum once told me that when I was in her tummy, there was another life next to me. At the next ultrasound he/she wasn't there anymore. It died. It should have been me who died. My twin would have a good life. They wouldn't develop into being something as unfortunate as me. If I never was born I wouldn't be a part or worry of anyone's life, none of you would have met me, and no mutant like me would feel pain. I am crying right now and I don't know what to do. It feels like nothing will be okay again. No one will understand what "okay" is. I look at myself in 10 years and if nothing changed I would most definitely be dead already. I am not able to live with the memories, but I can't push anything. My dream will never be fulfilled, I can't convince anyone that sadness isn't happiness, I want to talk about it, but I don't know how. I have tried to stay strong but I don't know how long I will be able to.
It's so easy to make me happy but it's just as easy to make me sad.
I'm full of love and not being able to express it truly kills me more and more for every morning I wake up to the sun rising while knowing that everything could be better.
I'm just sorry. I really am so sorry. I want everything well for everyone and I hope that good things will happen to you.